When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
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“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Left at a local drug store…
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom