I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
You Might Also Like
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Found the job I’m suited for
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind