@Jmboyd58

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

@Jmboyd58

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

@Jmboyd58

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

@Jmboyd58

Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy

[car dies]

Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission

Jesus: Don’t test my mercy

@Jmboyd58

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

@Jmboyd58

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

@Jmboyd58

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

@Jmboyd58

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

@Jmboyd58

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish