Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Selfie
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not