Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.