I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he鈥檚 still waiting.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I鈥檓 having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that鈥檚 how I found out dead bats are jerks.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Hagrid: you鈥檙e a gizzard Harry
Harry: i鈥檓 a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Have a lovely day 馃槉
My friend had her baby at home and I can鈥檛 even give myself a manicure at home
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he鈥檒l get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one鈥檚 a porn star.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
It鈥檚 amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I鈥檓 really doing is swatting away flies.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It鈥檚 still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they鈥檒l die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It鈥檚 kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 馃
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 馃槀
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I鈥檓 supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn鈥檛 right, but I鈥檓 close. I can feel it.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
i鈥檇 rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it鈥檚 much worse
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he鈥檚 losing his shit.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what鈥檚 wrong with you