Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
You Might Also Like
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.