*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Ugh
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos