T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.