🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*