My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
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“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Breaking news:
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.