My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
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[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
The internet is magic sometimes.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no