If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I’m having an out of money experience.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.