Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
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[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Does your wife know you’re single?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles