a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
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The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I like crazy people until they notice me
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.