I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
guys I’m going home
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Just this preview of the story is enough
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.