@JohnFugelsang: Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says 'honk if you love Jesus.' So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.
@JohnFugelsang: The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
@JohnFugelsang: Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
@JohnFugelsang: Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike 'flip-flop on issues' but the politicians we like 'evolve.'
@JohnFugelsang: Somewhere in Heaven...
Abraham Lincoln: The ppl who claim to be my followers just totally misquoted me.
Jesus: You don't say.
@JohnFugelsang: There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he's been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
@JohnFugelsang: My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.
@JohnFugelsang: If god didn't like sex, He wouldn't make us scream His name when it's really hot.
@JohnFugelsang: I can't wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.