@JohnHilsen

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

@JohnHilsen

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

@JohnHilsen

The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.

@JohnHilsen

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

@JohnHilsen

OK it’s like sure, I’ve MURDERED before. Big deal. Sue me. It’s not like I’m a MURDERER or anything. I only do it socially.

@JohnHilsen

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

@JohnHilsen

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

@JohnHilsen

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

@JohnHilsen

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”