Never go to sleep after making me angry
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I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
back to work
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice