WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
You Might Also Like
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
it is time once again
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
When someone trying to leave me
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot