listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.