@JohnLyonTweets

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

@JohnLyonTweets

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

@JohnLyonTweets

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

@JohnLyonTweets

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

@JohnLyonTweets

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

@JohnLyonTweets

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.