Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
CDC: Stop that.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Her: Who was your first love?
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.