@JohnLyonTweets Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
@JohnLyonTweets 
@JohnLyonTweets Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
@JohnLyonTweets Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
@JohnLyonTweets I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
@JohnLyonTweets My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
@JohnLyonTweets *turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
@JohnLyonTweets My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
@JohnLyonTweets I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
@JohnLyonTweets Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
@JohnLyonTweets I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”