@JohnLyonTweets: I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

@JohnLyonTweets: Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

@JohnLyonTweets: Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

@JohnLyonTweets: Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

@JohnLyonTweets: If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

@JohnLyonTweets: Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

@JohnLyonTweets: I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but...mission accomplished.

@JohnLyonTweets: These fireworks are awesome! High four!

@JohnLyonTweets: [summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*