@JohnLyonTweets [band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
@JohnLyonTweets @JohnLyonTweets Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
@JohnLyonTweets My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
@JohnLyonTweets This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
@JohnLyonTweets The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
@JohnLyonTweets Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
@JohnLyonTweets Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
@JohnLyonTweets Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
@JohnLyonTweets I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
@JohnLyonTweets My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.