Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.