“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.