My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.