-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.