If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
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therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
All set.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Give a baker flours on your first date.