Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?