*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.