@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

@JohnMayer

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

@JohnMayer

gunshot loudness: 160 decibels
Accidentally dropping down toilet seat rim: 8,000

@JohnMayer

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

@JohnMayer

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

@JohnMayer

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too