Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
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interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.