My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
You Might Also Like
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.