Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
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i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich