I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Something Saturday.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
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HEYYYY MACARENA
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.