teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses