Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
You Might Also Like
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing