[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.