[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
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Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I needed a laugh this morning.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.