Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree