Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium