“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
You Might Also Like
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.