Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
You Might Also Like
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Thursday
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)