putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Every work call, he judges.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?