I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.