Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Dead sexy!!
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace