I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
You Might Also Like
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk