I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
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Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.