Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
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Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Holy shit he’s back
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.