I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
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Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.