Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”