Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I only treason on days ending in y
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
How to make infinite energy.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.